I have written a birth story for all of my kids before now, and today is Bea's turn. Beatrix is a special kid, we never expected to have a fourth, we considered ourselves completely done, and the idea of having another child was not met with excitement and happy thoughts, but with fear and apprehension. We thought it would never happen, and then it did.
I remember in high school reading the book "A lesson before dying" and there is a line in the book where the woman (i believe the wife or love interest of the lawyer) gets pregnant. She knows immediately that she has become pregnant. I remember our teacher explaining that some women claim to know right away at conception that they are pregnant like something has changed in them. My whole life i thought this was silly, you can't know the second something like that happens! Look at Kira, a depo baby, that at about 5 months i'm at the doctor thinking i'm having some crazy stomach stuff and surprise it's a baby in there. The idea of knowing right when it happens seems insane.
That's until Beatrix. Maybe it's because she was baby number 4, maybe it's because we were trying so hard to be careful, or maybe it's just because she's special, but i knew, i knew right in the moment that something had happened, that a little life was created. I don't know how to explain it but that's what happened.
Emotions ran high for quite sometime. We were in a new state it hadn't even been a year yet, all our family and friends were very far away. We had new jobs, new schools for the kids, a new life, and a new adventure. We were not prepared for this. I laid awake many nights unable to turn my brain off, worrying about how we would handle another baby. How the kids would handle another sibling, i agonized over how Kira would feel (she helps us so much already), I worried about my relationship with Brandon (we had already waited so many years for some normalcy), i worried about my body, i really really worried about if i would survive it, if Beatrix could survive it. And yes, it was that bad, i was so convinced this child would be my end, that i saved letters to my husband, and each of my kids on my computer in case i died during surgery. I made sure i had all my life insurance paperwork in order and set somewhere for my husband to find it. Then at some point fairly early on, i felt the flutters. Those first little movements that remind me of a butterfly. I'd lay in bed worrying at night and feel Bea moving around, and it all changed. it became Bea and I, i became her protector, my ultimate job was making sure Bea was healthy and safe, and hopefully made a smooth entrance into the world.
Most of my pregnancy was frustrating. I had no idea that healthcare would be so different in a new state. in March i had my official pregnancy test with my primary care doctor. This was the first baby where i didn't even take one before the doctor, i was positive I was pregnant, and i was right. I was told i needed a referral to a OB and that it could take up to 30 days to get that first appointment. I was extremely high risk, i have two previous preemies, though managed i have hypertension, a history of gestational diabetes, and i'm a lot older than i once was. But in 30 days i still hadn't been given an appointment. I was finally scheduled my first appointment beginning of June, and already into my 2nd trimester! I was concerned, i knew i needed to get on progesterone, and it had really made a difference with getting Athena closer to due date so i didn't want to hold off. However that day when i came in for my appointment, it was lost. They couldn't find it! I had waited so long and they couldn't get me in. Hours I fought on the phone to get an appointment. I was offered one the following month in Highlands Ranch. (this is about 30 min. give or take from home depending on traffic vs. about 4-5 closer hospitals)
When i finally came in for my first appointment, i was only 1 week away from being able to tell if the baby was boy or girl! (it would be three weeks before i would actually have that ultrasound) My doctor seemed nice, but nothing like my previous doctor. She seemed fairly un concerned, but started me on the progesterone. Our due date was December 5th (i think, it's been a long year), our goal was to make it until the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and have a baby.
July came fast and we found out we were having a girl! We planned ahead to make sure we would survive the holidays. We started buying one gift per kid each month, and hid them in our closets so we would have Christmas presents. I started buying up baby stuff, i watched facebook marketplace, Nextdoor, craigslist and offerup. I saved a few dollars here and there in envelops, one was for Kira's birthday, one for Donovan's birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving Dinner, Christmas Dinner, Back to School. This was my way of saving up random monies here and there to make sure life stayed normal for the kids even with this big financial thing coming. (I would be out of work through the holiday season)
Kira was in Seattle when we found out the sex, and we hadn't told any of the kids yet there was a baby coming. So Donovan and Athena were the first kids to find out about Beatrix in fact they were there at the ultrasound when we found out she was a girl. They were pretty excited. more so than i had expected. When Kira returned we told her. She was the kid i was worried about, i was hoping she would be excited and not upset that there would be another kid on the way. But She was just excited as her brother and sister, all the kids were on board and excited for a new baby sister. Donovan did tell me multiple times we needed to have just one more baby so we could have another boy, lol, but we shot that down fast!
Overall this pregnancy went fairly well (until it didn't). I was a lot healthier going into this pregnancy. I had lost a lot of weight, i had my blood pressure under control, mentally i was healthier than i had been most of my adult life, after years of putting it off i was finally on Anxiety medication. Week after week i'd go to my appointments for my progesterone, my blood pressure stayed in line, and when i did my glucose test i passed! I thought there was no way i would pass, considering i had failed with the past two pregnancies, but hey this was great news. Beatrix was measuring good, she was happy healthy and content to stay put.
Second half of October, that's when things started slipping. We were getting closer, and up until this point the doctor was confident we were gonna make it all the way. This was big improvement over the previous pregnancy where my doctor had told me she didn't trust me as far as she could throw me to keep Athena inside me! My perfectly managed blood pressure started going up. More medications were added, and increased. In fact every week going forward my blood pressure medication would be increased. Before Pregnancy my BP was managed with one daily dose of 30mg medication, and one other diuretic. By the time Beatrix was born i would be up to 120 mg of one medication and 40 mg of another.
My last day of work was the 3rd of November, on the 5th (Brandon's Birthday) i went in for my last progesterone shot. My BP had spiked, i was told we may have a baby that day. I was told to go home, and wait with my family, i was going to be given one more high dose of medication to see if it would bring it down. That afternoon my BP came back down, we were told we would hold off a few more days until Friday (the 8th) if it wouldn't stay down we would have a baby that day. If it stayed down we would try to go at least one more week.
I knew when i went in that morning we would have a baby. I monitor my BP from home so i knew it was high, higher than it should be, higher than it's ever been in my whole life. I must have walked into that doctor office with my head hanging so low, i felt like a failure, this baby was going to be a month early, and they couldnt' give her the steroid shots for her lungs because my bp was so high it would have sent me into seizures. I was trying to hold it together but i was terrified. Keep in mind i was convinced, very convinced that one of us wouldn't survive this birth. I figured it would be me, i didn't have any faith in these doctors, my BP was outrageous and quite honestly thanks to a father that died at 42, and a step dad that spent my whole life talking about how he was going to die, i too live with a fear of dying very young. We were scheduled for surgery that evening. I came home, Brandon and the kids drove me back up to the hospital and dropped me off. (Brandon would still have to get the kids situated before surgery)
I walked in alone, carrying my hospital bag, hoping people were not looking at me weird for walking in alone. I was taken to my room where i had two nurses who wouldn't' leave me alone for even a minute. I'm trying to remember what my BP was it was something crazy 210/120 i think. They put IV's in both hands so that if i had complication during surgery they already had another iv in my veins on the other side. My doctor came in, told me she was putting me on Magnesium. You dont' want to get to the point of of magnesium. So this is what they give you for preclampsia if it gets too bad before surgery, it's a strong medication that prevents you from (hopefully) having seizures, it slows preterm labor, and helps prevent injury to baby's brain. Shortly before Brandon arrived i was finally left alone in my room. I just needed a break of playing brave, and a minute to just relax. This was one of the most important heart to hearts i think Beatrix and I may ever have. I remember sitting there in the bed rubbing Bea through my belly and talking to her. I told her this was it, We were about to do this thing and all she had to do was come out and breath and i would be there to meet her face to face. For the first time during this pregnancy i was convinced i would just fight through it and i would meet this baby, i was more concerned with whether or not she would breath. After Athena all i wanted was a cry from Beatrix to let us know she was good.
Brandon came and everything happened quickly. Things felt rushed, and i know thats because i was not at my best medically.
I remember all of the parts of surgery, the bright lights, the needle in the back and the quick countdown to lay down before loosing control. I won't forget i had to do this alone, because unlike past pregnancies Brandon was not allowed to join me until i was down on the operating table. I remember being so nervous. Usually your excited to meet your baby, i was scared. She was safe inside me, she had always been happy to hang out, i was the one who's body couldn't' handle it. I will forever be traumatized from Athena's birth, and i was terrified that maybe Bea wouldn't even take a breath. I thought about what it would feel like if i were to slip away. Would i have a split second to tell my husband i loved him. Should i have called this person or that person. I had letters for my husband and kids, what about my mom? What about my sisters, my grandmother, maybe i should have done one that was all encompassing to my friends and family. All the while i can feel them cutting into me (no pain of course), tugging around. I'm terrified, and Brandon is telling me it's going to be ok. "Jamie, she has soo much hair!" nervous laughter we've heard this before with all of our kids. The wait, they know how much hair she has, so she's coming out in a second, I tried to be as quiet as possible, i'm just listening.
The cry! it was long and hard, and she kept crying, over and over again. I cried too, it was that same amazing relief we had, had with Donovan when he cried and we knew his lungs were working. She was good, she was healthy, she was breathing, she was crying. Slightly labored but nothing she couldn't get over. I was on that operating table for awhile. I had a tubal so it took a little longer. Beatrix was taken to the NICU. With the expectation she wouldn't be there for long at all. If she didnt' stay more than 8 hours it would be considered that she wasn't admitted to the NICU at all. That was policy at this hospital.
By the time morning came, my blood pressure was down to lower than i've ever seen. 108/55 but the doctors kept trying to force more bp medication down me. I told them this was normal, after birth my bp always evens out, but they told me to take it anyway. They were giving me doses higher than i had, had my whole pregnancy even though my bp was the lowest it had ever been. I passed out, literally got really shaky and cold, and passed out. The doctors didn't even realize. A nurse came in later and told me i must have been really tired i was so out they i didn't wake up when they came in so they "let me sleep" Because of the magnesium i wasn't allowed in the room alone with Bea, because i was a liability. (what if i dropped her, is what they said to me). I wasn't allowed out of bed, even though i had been out hours after surgery with all my other kids. i begged and pleaded to be allowed out of bed with no such luck. The doctors continued to try and force more and more BP medication down me. A nurse caught the mistake twice, all the other times i was the one that had to advocate for myself and tell them no. I was made to wait a whole 24 hours before i got out of bed. I got a horrible gas bubble under my right shoulder blade due to this, and on night two i was in so much pain, but i was afraid to let most of that pain show because i didn't want to be kept in this hospital. I remember telling Brandon i was scared and i was afraid they were going to kill me. I imagined them little stopping my heart or something else just as bad from giving me too much medication.
I waited my 48 hours and told them i wanted to go home. Beatrix had already been cleared 24 hours earlier by the Doctor that came over from the Childrens Hospital. Snow was on it's way and we were almost 20 miles from home, we needed to leave and get home or i would be trapped at the hospital. Not to mention the multiple time they continued to try and give me more medication i didn't need. Brandon promised me on the phone he was coming with the little ones and he was bringing us all back home. He wouldn't leave me at the hospital. I was prepared to leave against doctors orders if i needed too. When he got there he witnessed them trying to give me the insane amount of BP medication. 160mg in one sitting (keep in mind when my bp is normal i take 30 mg) my bp was in a normal range. (BP medication is also split up twice a day so this was an extremely elevated dose in one sitting, higher than i had ever had before, my BP was normal, keep in mind i came in with a 210/120 bp two days prior and they hadn't given me that much medication in one sitting) I told them no, i refused i was done. "I've feared through this whole pregnancy the idea of dying on that operating table and now that i've come out the other end you guys are literally going to kill me, i'm going home bring me whatever i need to sign" I was told that my bp was ok, that i seemed fine but if i could stay one more night (even though i had been told 48 hours) they could check my bp in the morning and send me home. "No, i'm going home find me who i need to talk to and what i need to sign" I was threatened that my insurance company would not pay for the surgery i had, had. (this wasn't true) "Seriously, bring me who i need to talk too, or we are walking out of here, Beatrix is already released, so it will just be me leaving against orders, i'm a grown ass woman with 4 kids, i'm going home to be with my family!" Finally i was given the paperwork i needed to sign.
The next day when Brandon went to pick up my prescriptions they had called in, even the pharmacist was confused by the amounts they had prescribed me. I went back to taking the doses and medications my normal doctor had me on. My BP stayed normal. I didn't die, i didn't have any weird medical issues, i think leaving that hospital was the best decision i ever made.
Beatrix was little, only a few more ounces than Donovan had been when he was born.
By the time we left the hospital she weighted less than Donovan did at birth. At Bea's lowest she weighted in at 5lbs 2 oz. Her pediatrician put us on a strict feeding schedule, and within a week she gained almost a full pound. She has thrived ever since. Beatrix is a happy healthy baby. Just like her siblings she fits perfectly in our family. I had this irrational fear with Bea that i didn't have with the others. I worried how my love would split, how i would find time for all my kids equally, how i would continue to be a good mom even with another baby. These are fears usually mothers have with their second baby, not with the fourth. We'd been out of this baby game for several years now. But four is the same as three, is the same as two and i imagine is the same as five or six. There is always enough love, always enough time if you simply make it. Beatrix is one of the luckiest babies around because she was born into a family with two older sisters and an older brother who love her whole heartedly. She's a fourth kid we never expected, and didn't realize would change our lives in a positive.
Born the size of a pineapple, she's already had such an impact on our family. She loves her siblings and they love her, she loves to be part of the family and be included so she is happy to now be big enough it in a baby chair, or at the table in a highchair and just be part of the group, part of the family. Beatrix is officially the last member of our family. We made sure of that when she was born, we love our kids but we need to be able to provide for them well, and give them good lives and memories for when they are older. and we would like to enjoy our children while we are young,
And one day be young enough to enjoy our grandchildren too! Watching her grow is exciting and fun, and also very hard. Athena was our last, or so we thought. I went through all the emotions of watching my last baby sit up on her own, roll over, crawl, eat solid food etc. and now there is a new last. You would think that would make it easier but it's not, it's so much harder this time around because i realize no matter how hard you try and burn these things into your memories. You will forget, not all of it obviously , but a lot of little things. I remember each of my kids births down tot the littlest details, but i forgot about how your arm falls asleep with a baby on it and you will just sit through the pain and discomfort to watch your baby sleep peacefully. I forgot just how amazing it was to see that first smile, to make your baby laugh in your arms, you don't forget forget, but you can't relive those moments no matter how hard you try.
Anyone who knows me , knows i live for my kids. I go to the doctor for my kids, i make sure my bp stays in line for my kids, i stay active for my kids, i make sure i have good insurance policies just in case for my kids.
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