I'd like to start right here, by saying, Single parents are rock stars, i don't know how they do it all, and having recently had the stomach flu with 4 kids at home, I'm not sure how i would have kept things afloat without my husband. So I have a ton of respect to all my single parent friends out there, both moms and dads.
I am constantly bombarded with different mom articles. I don't think i have liked a single one, but i still have them taking over my feed on facebook. You know how Facebook loves to stalk us.
I think some of the most debated topics between Stay at home mom's and Working mom's. include who has it harder, who has less "me time", who spends more quality time with their spouse, who's life is more stressfull, and the list goes on, and on, and on. There seems to be a lot of articles out there meant to shame working moms, and i'm sure it goes both ways, but as a working mom, this is completely unfair and often unfounded.
I'm not super biased, i do have my beliefs that one is physically harder than the other and i'll explain that later however emotionally/mentally probably about the same. But i don't care if your a stay at home mom or a working mom. We all do things the way that works for us and our families. I"m sure there are aspects of each sides that the other misses, or wished they could have now an again. I'm sure most working parents wish they could be home more often, that's not to say if they would want to work still or just have more hours in the day. And i'm sure parents at home have days where they wish they could just get out of the house for a little while without the kids even if that meant work.
I work full time, i also have 4 kids, it's a lot of work, and it's exhausting but it's what works for us. I also have a core belief (surely based on how i was raised) that if you can take care of your own kids you should vs. throwing them into daycare. I work full time and pull off this second part thanks equally to my husband. Essentially this means we are exhausted and overworked but we love our kids, and we have a tight knit family life. We may exhaust ourselves as full time parents and Employees, but we get fairly equal time with the kids, meaning our kids have close bonds with both of us, and know they always have a parent to come too that is there for them. This seems to be the best of both worlds. I'd love my kids to have a stay at home parent, based on the concept of watching our own kids, but i also want for us to be able to provide nice things for our kids, from home, to family adventures, to vacations and eating out. I believe in making fun family memories and this affords us that option. We may not have a stay at home parent in our house, but we have a parent at home 24 hours a day.
I feel it is important as grown adults for us to have something besides our kids that we do with our time. I think it puts a lot of pressure on a child when their parents lives completely revolve around them. Perhaps not when they're young but as they grow. As much as i want my kids to love doing things with me, i don't want them to feel like i would crumble without them, I also want them to learn it's ok to do things on their own as well. I think it's important for our kids to see us doing things socially with people, or fulfilling responsibilities that don't revolve around children. If you don't have purpose without children, what will you do when they grow and leave the nest? We are a support system as a family, but part of being a support system is not just doing things for each other all the time, but letting each other do things for ourselves knowing their is backup when needed.
A lot of these parenting articles like to shame working mothers (and for some reason not so much the working fathers) for not being around, not having the time for school functions etc. I shake my head at this. It's more of an organization issue, it's a juggling act for sure, but you gotta get organized. A planner and a calendar are a must. When you can see all the things you need to get done in a month laid out in front of you it's easier to make sure your requesting the right times off. I work but i still make sure my kids always have a parent with them fro extra curricular. Family lunch at school, we're there, field trip (depending on space for chaperones) one of us is their, birthday parties we'll make sure we get you there, after school stuff we'll be there, volunteering at the kids school, yes of course! We may be working parents but we know how to put our family first. Now i know some people will make a valid point here, that some jobs you can't just ask for all your kids functions off.
To me this falls into sacrifice. I wouldn't work a job at this point in my kids lives where i couldn't get a night off to go to a concert, or an afternoon swapped around to go to a Parent/Kid lunch at school. We can work and have kids, but you still have to be somewhat selective in what you do. Lots of advance notice and dedicating as much effort into work as we do into our home makes us invaluable employees, affording us some parenting leeway.
I see a lot of arguments for leaving the workforce while the kids are young, and then returning years later. This may work for some but most employers are not going to hire someone who was out of the workforce for an extended period of time to stay at home. You can be mad at that, you can be mad at them, but realistically even as a mother, i do the same thing on my work side. If i'm looking at applications and someone hasn't worked for the past several years due to having a kid, it's the same to me as if they hadn't been working for several years just to not work. You fall out of touch, and you don't learn new skills as time moves forward. This is true of most jobs, as time moves forward things change even in the most basic of trades. You can be mad at employers but you have to see it from their prospective, why hire someone who has been doing the job for years and has the references vs. hiring someone who hasn't done it in years regardless of the reasoning? (this doesn't mean you couldn't find a job, but don't plan on getting back into the game where you once were)
As much as i love the idea of staying home, there is another thing that keeps me working. Retirement! People love to to try and show how much a stay at home mom (or dad) is worth. They're not wrong, the amount you would pay someone else to watch your kids, tutor them, clean your home, cook etc. is a ton. But working provides the opportunity for retirement programs. (not all jobs offer these but again this falls into sacrifice, and being selective over employers) Someday if my kids want to "help" take care of us in old age i will feel we did things right. we raised our kids well, and they appreciated all that went into raising them, and that they respect and love us. In a lot of cultures kids take care of the parents. However i don't expect my kids to take care of me someday. I don't want to burden my children with a mindset that they need to factor in care for mom and dad when we're older. What i hope for my children is that they will have their own families to support. We are the parents, no matter how old we get, these kids are our babies. Having retirement savings, and a plan for our golden years, means not putting that concern on our kids shoulders. (This is also the reason we have life insurance on everyone, critical illness insurance, accident insurance etc. no matter what life throws at our family we are covered, and that's thanks to working)
A lot of stay at home mom's complain that it is hard to stay at home, because your stuck all day with the kids and little interaction with adults, or time for yourself. Lets tackle that first one. I whole heartedly agree! I hate to be stuck at home for even a whole day without leaving the house, and i would consider myself a bit of a homebody! However i would argue that you don't need to stay cooped up all day in the house. I know several Stay at home mom's that take their kids out to parks, lunch with friends etc. Me getting out of the house on a day off so i don't feel cabin fever doesn't really mean fun and games, a lot of time its just grocery shopping (and yes i do it with kids in tow, this often means either Brandon is at work, or he gets a nap).
As far as me time . . . . what the heck is that? Going to work is not me time. If you want some proof, i invite you to come sit in my office and let the knocks every two minutes on the door pick away at your sanity. Sure work isn't with a bunch of little children, it's with a bunch of big children who should know better and are not quite as cute! Sure i get to spend sometime without kids glued to my hip, i also get to be a sounding board for a large group of adults and some kids , some are definitely still kids lol! I deal with complaints, i deal with rude people, i deal with insults and profanities so my employees don't have too. Yep not only am i a mother that works full time, that full time job is a manager, so pretty much i'm a mother going full time 24 hours a day regardless if the "kids" are my biological little ones , or my work family.
As far as what is harder? Emotionally, mentally, i imagine they are pretty similar. Stay at home you would have more flexibility for scheduling things, Please tell me we dont have to argue that, i mean it's pretty simple, one less schedule to work around means more flexibility. When i'm not working i have extra time for baking, arts and crafts, museums etc. When i do work, we run on the fundamentals, cooking for meals, homework, and cleanup. Please don't come at me with that but their is no extra time in the day when you stay at home, cause you gotta clean, and take care of kids. Keep in mind i generally work 10 hour days, i to clan house, cook, do homework,talk to the kids about their days etc. i just have 8-10 less hours a day to do it in. Physically doing both is demanding, not a lot of sleep, and constantly looking ahead to the next task.
Regardless of whether or not you stay at home with your kids, or work, being a parent is a big job, it takes a lot of patience, energy and compassion. Hopefully we all have our kids best interests at heart. Someday maybe people will stop shaming working parents, because we have enough on our plate without needing to defend how much time we spend with our kids!
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